July 2, 2010

Summer Friday: Updates on Your Favorite TV Casts

Every Friday between Memorial Day and Labor Day I'm going to be featuring guest bloggers as a part of my "Summer Fridays" series. This week's entry comes from a fellow television-obsessed fan like me, Matt A. who takes on an imagined look into the future of some beloved TV characters.

After Sex and The City 2 left me feeling violated, I began to wonder the fates of other beloved characters from television shows long since gone. Where exactly are they now? I mean, when Sex and the City went off the air in 2004, I instantly thought, "Abu Dhabi! Clearly what is next for these women is to have comic hijinks in Abu Dhabi!" As burkas were the most logical progression for the girls of SATC, I thought it would be interesting to imagine where life took some other television icons from dearly departed shows.

saved by the bell cast photo
Saved by the Bell

After getting married, Zach convinced Kelly that they should become swingers. They’re into threesomes and swapping partners… unless they're named Jeff and they're the manager of The Max. Slater became morbidly obese and is now the spokesperson for Alli and the jheri curl. Jessie never got into Stanford because she became addicted to caffeine pills and failed her math test. She currently lives in Las Vegas under the pseudonym "Nomi Malone." Lisa stars in Bravo's The Real Housewives of Bayside. Her new single, "The Sprain (Injury Is Learned)" hits iTunes next week. Screech never left town. Yeah, he's that sad pathetic guy who stayed in town in order to live out his glory days, which sadly for Screech, involved stealing Betty Crocker’s spaghetti sauce recipe. He can be seen at the local bar, humming "Friends Forever" under his breath and drinking alone. Tori became a lesbian and I dunno… changed her name to Kara Dioguardi so she could ruin some other show.

friends cast photo

Ross and Rachel broke up and got back together like 12 more times before Gunther took initiative, shot and killed them (finally!) Oh, and their daughter Emma’s totally a chain smoker on Toddlers and Tiaras. After having twins in the series finale, Monica and Chandler decided to have one more baby, but ended up with sextuplets. Monica got a butch haircut and emasculated Chandler. They got a divorce, and now Chandler designs Ed Hardy shirts. Joey (like the rest of us) is pretending his spin-off never happened. He’s still an actor, working at the Time Square Olive Garden. Phoebe's still married to Paul Rudd, but after spending the day at the Big Apple Barbecue Festival in 2009, she is no longer a vegetarian. Also her sister Ursula convinced Phoebe to be in the porn industry, but whatever.


Sawyer and Miles are both enrolled in Police Academy in order to live out the buddy-cop spin-off fantasy. Furthermore Ghost Juliet jumps into Miles' body every now and then, so she and Sawyer can reenact that scene from Ghost. On the plane ride off The Island, Claire went crazy again. She viciously bit Kate's eyes out, then skinned her alive. Once in America, a parade was thrown in Claire’s honor. Sadly, she was never reunited with her bay-bee, squirrel bay-bee or Chaaa-leeee. Obviously Richard Alpert became an easy, breezy, beautiful Cover Girl. He’s the Benny Ninja of smizing on America’s Next Top Model. The adventures of Hurley and Ben take place on Lost: The Next Generation, which isn’t like Star Trek: The Next Generation, but more Degrassi: The Next Generation because that slut Manny moves to The Island so she can filmed taking her top off, in an attempt to be FAMOUS!

Um... creative? You can click here to read all of the Summer Friday entries.